The Recovery Of Gratitude

November 23, 1986

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I suppose it happened because I’d been struggling with the bank book.....at least that’s the only reason I can think of. I remember all those bills piled up on the table, some were due, some were overdue..... Then there was the checking account statement---not enough there to make much of a dent.

Finally, I just pushed it all aside and went to bed.... Maybe in the morning I thought it won’t look quite so bad. And that’s when it happened. As I look back on it now it almost seems like a dream. There I was, suddenly transported to a place I’d never been before. In the background were these massive gates,

Pearly gates, they looked like, and we were all together in front of them. There was quite a crowd of us, and it seemed that we had to go through some kind of processing before we were allowed to go in-side. It was a little bit like registration time at the University if you remember that experience.

I got through the halo measuring line without too much of a delay.... And the wing fitting wasn’t bad. Then there was a table where you could sign up for harp lessons, beginner, intermediate, advanced, but if you signed up for advanced, they reduced the size of your halo a notch.

Really, I didn’t have any trouble at all until I got to the front of the Business Manager’s line.

And there he was standing behind a cage, like a teller’s cage in a bank..... He had what seemed to me, an awfully worldly look for a person in his position.... He scrutinized me like he knew more about me than I wanted him to know.... And over his stall there was a big sign, written in Hebrew, Latin and Greek, which said: ADMISSION FEES PAID HERE. NO ADMITTANCE UNTIL ALL DEBTS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR.

Well, I said with a feeble attempt at jauntiness, when I finally arrived at the head of the line, “How much do I owe?” I know about the payments on the car.... they have a few months to run yet.... And there’s the lot we’re buying, and the television.... I guess I still owe the dentist a little something, but you know he won’t be ugly about it. What does it all add up to? Here! I’ll write out a check, and go on it.

Well, O.K., said the Business Manager, in a disarmingly soft voice...Suppose you do that. And while you’re at it, how about including the cost of a few other little debts I charged down here to your account..... Other debts?, I answered weakly. Yes, he said, Other debts. I have a list of things here that need to be taken care of. Surely you wouldn’t want to be known as a person who doesn’t carry his own weight? Oh, surely not, I heard myself responding, but from the tone of his voice, I wasn’t at all sure I meant it. Well, then, he began, let’s start here at the top.

Here, first of all, is a little debt you owe your parents.... Unselfish care and devotion lavished on you for about a fifth of a century..... Attention when you were completely helpless, Guidance when you were in the formative years, They kept you warm, and healthy, They fed you and clothed you. They taught you the ideals you still deem precious. They put up with you when you were impossible...... They listened to you when you had something gnawing away on your insides.... Do I have to go any farther, Mr. Price? You get the picture, don’t you?.....Add up that little debt and see if you have enough money to cover it. And then here’s one you owe to your teachers and counsellors through the years. Look how many there were who tried to point a little learning into your thick skull.

They gave you a sense of identity, they gave you an understanding of some of the forces that made your world, your environment. They helped you to appreciate other cultures, other peoples, so you wouldn’t think you were the only one with vision and insight.... They broadened your horizon. They helped you to find yourself, and to relate yourself to the larger economy, so that you knew what it was to belong, and to have a part.... They whetted your appetite to know.... They helped you to wonder, and to ask questions about the immensity and the variety of it all.

How much is that worth to you when you stop to think about it? How would you translate that into money? And then here’s another debt you must consider. You were born in America, I see by the record, which controls 70% of the world’s wealth. Did you ever go to bed hungry at night, Mr. Price?

Did you ever shiver through a winter with no roof over your head? How about clothing? How many pairs of shoes did you have when you were in high school? Couldn’t you get a coke most any time you wanted one, or a package of peanuts, or a hot fudge sundae? You look like you’ve had you share.....

I can’t talk like this to over half the people who come by this office, Mr. Price..... Did you know that in your world a person starves to death about once every five seconds? Maybe you didn’t have it quite as bad down there as you thought.

Well, I can tell you, by this time I was beginning to get fidgety. I didn’t know what being in debt was. Maybe I said, if I could go back, if I could start over again.... I promise---I’ll get up earlier, I’ll work harder, I’ll do more visiting.... Oh, for heaven’s sake, he said....which I thought was an appropriate phrase under the circumstances....

For heaven’s sake, now you’re talking like one of those phony self-made men. Just how long do you think it would take you to work off all these debts? AND THERE’S MORE....Let’s go on. While we’re at it, what about the romance and fulfillment of parenthood? Remember the pride of being a father? The first time you looked down in that nursery window and saw that brand new baby boy..... Maybe he wasn’t the most beautiful baby in the world, but he was there, and he was healthy, and he was yours, and don’t think that isn’t something to be grateful for.....

Remember the dreams you had for him, and the others who came later, all the plans, all the hopes, all the things you were going to do. Remember the wet diapers, and the first tooth, and the strained spinach spilled all over the floor? It doesn’t seem so bad in retrospect, does it Remember how they used to yell, “Daddy”, when you came in from work in the afternoon? Is there any greater salutation in the world than that simple, uninhibited greeting?

Would you care to put a price tag on the satisfaction of being a father? And let’s go on even beyond that. I really haven’t even started....Look at this list. Here’s your debt to your friends, who sustained you and encouraged you, in season and out. People who stood by you when you needed them, Laymen in your churches who really did the work for which you got the credit.            

There’s your debt to your wife.... Don’t think she hasn’t put up with plenty.... She really knows what you’re like to live with. There’s your debt to the Church, remember that one? It’s given you a job, it’s given you a home, it’s given you a salary.... It’s given you your closest companions across the years, a sense of guidance, a place to serve, something to lean on..... Where would you have been in times of sadness and helplessness if it hadn’t been for the rich comfort of the Church and some of its radiant members? And then there are a lot of little things on this list, Mr. Price, that somehow taken together seem to add up to something very big. I wonder if you remember what it was like to sit on the edge of a dock and dangle your bare feet in the water..... Or how it felt in the summertime to walk through a puddle of water and feel the cool mud come oozing up through your toes?

Do you remember when you were a little boy the first time you climbed up on a fire truck, and the fireman let you hold the nozzle of the hose in your hand..... Speaking of hands, remember the time you shook hands with Joe Dimaggioat Spring Training? What about the sight of a duck, swimming across a still pond, leaving that V-shaped wake behind it? What about a crackling log fire on a cold winter’s night, or the almost sinful warmth of an electric blanket?

Remember what it was like to read in a book something that set your mind on fire, and to want so much to have somebody to share it with? What about companions whom it was not always necessary to talk, real friends, that you didn’t feel like you had to impress. What about those occasional moments of satisfaction when you finished a job, and gotten it behind you..... that feeling of completeness when you’d done something reasonably well, for once, and you knew it had been helpful....

Do you remember the joy of preaching, Mr. Price, the joy of serving, of learning, of giving, of growing, and all the benefits that came to you because of them. What it adds up to is a great big debt, payable to God Himself. You don’t REALLY think you’ve given Him more than He’s given YOU?

You record here has a lot of gaps in it, Mr. Price.... I see errors, and mistakes, and failures.... I see omissions, and indifference, and carelessness.....I see hostilities, and ungratefulness, and pride.... Let’s face it, there are a lot of things here on your side of the ledger that are pretty unsavory.

What you’ve given doesn’t at all balance what He’s given. When I add it all up on this celestial computer, which happens to be the biggest one there is in these parts, I don’t believe there’s enough money in creation to pay off all your debt.

You’re just like all the rest, overdrawn, and underfinanced.... And what I want to know is, what do you propose to do about it? Well, what could I say? I knew, of course, that he was absolutely right, and I was just about to turn and go to the back of the line.... or somewhere, when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

It was a big hand.... I could tell by the touch, and though it was rough feeling, like a carpenter’s, maybe, it was also somehow gentle. I turned to look into the face of the hand’s owner, and it was the most striking face I have ever seen. SOMEHOW IT WASN’T AT ALL THE WAY I’D PICTURED IT. I knew who it was, I’ve known all my life that someday I’d see Him, but I still wasn’t prepared for it.

He has such a sad face, all lined with care and concern. He looked as though the weight of the world were on his shoulders.... and though there was something in his eyes that suggested accessibility, something about him that was warm and appealing, there was also something about him that suggested remoteness.... a dignity, an austerity, an otherness... I can’t describe it, but I know it made me want to fall to the ground in front of him and it made me, I guess I’ll have to say, it made me want to cry. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that. All I know for sure is that He talked to the Business Manager for a minute, and I heard Him say, “His debts have already been paid.... ”And when he reached out his hand to get the canceled account, I could see in his palm the unmistakable imprint of ugly unhealed nail wounds.

Is it possible that there are some debts that can’t be paid with money? Is it possible that the height of stupidity is the illusion of self-sufficiency? Is it possible that when you get right down to it the only real gift we’ll ever be able to give to God is the gift of gratitude?

When I woke up the next morning the bills I had left on the table the night before were still there. The bank balance hadn’t increased any, either. But there was something more, something that hadn’t been there before.

There was a new sense of indebtedness, which somehow put the old indebtedness in a completely new light. A lot of things may change, a lot of things may alter with the passage of the years.... but whatever else we do, whatever else we become, wherever else we go, let us pray that is this sense, we’ll always be in debt, and always, always conscious of the incredibly high cost of our redemption, through Jesus Christ our Lord.